Friday Rambles About Love

I'm supposed to be soldering necklaces right now.

I have a million things to do today, but you know when something hits you between the eyes (besides grief or guilt) sometimes you just have to get it out.

A little background:

I'm working on vulnerability right now. Things like trust, perfection, and making sure others around me are o.k. at the cost of me and who I am are something I have done a good job on all my life.

 The thought of letting go is terrifying. The thought of not doing something right is terrifying. The thought of living with my hands open is something I desperately want, but am afraid of. I'm afraid a lot in my life, and have much anxiety. I do a fabulous job of hiding it, and much of life we have to just face wether we want to or not and life happens anyway, which is why my body has rebelled and decided emotions are to be voiced and felt and when they are not, in my case, I developed Ulcerative Colitis when I was 40.

Fast forward to last night.

I was at a Bible study last night with Brenna. It's a pretty cool group. Lots of younger people (I'm facing it. I'm not as young as the college age group.) Just being there with Brenna was a kick. Watching her soak up the energy and loving to meet new people is just up her alley. She is so brave. We were singing Oh How He Loves by David Crowder, and Brenna tends to get fairly emotional during worship. I stepped over to the couch she was sitting on to see if she was doing o.k. and she was fine...so I continued to sit there, listening to the words and watching Brenna snuggle into her newest friend, a gorgeous Japanese exchange student with a sweet heart, and it was like I was struck by lightening.

God loves me.

He loves me enough to send me this GIFT in a child with disabilities. 

To show me through her my vulnerabilities are not going to stop the rotation of the earth. To show through my child how kind, how gracious He is to provide. 

As I look at her and see what she supposed to not be able to do, but does anyway, I see what He does through her. I see how she reaches people in ways I would never dream of. How brave she is to walk through this life with such joy, so much trust.

 I can think I have to somehow pull it together on my own, think that I'm not really worthy, not really. Not worth the attention, the grace, the love. Those doubts that come when I'm trying so hard to figure something out and realize I'm not perfect. Those are the ones that want to slice away any shred of what I'm hanging onto to believe that He really loves me enough to give a rip about my day, let alone my life.

And we are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don't have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about the way...

He loves us

Oh How He Loves-David Crowder

This morning, I read this from Jesus calling:

"In this age of independence, people find it hard to acknowledge their neediness. However, I (Jesus) have taken you along a path that has highlighted your need for Me: placing you in situations where your strengths were irrelevant and your weaknesses were glaringly evident.....You have learned to thank Me for hard times and difficult journeys, trusting that through them I accomplish My best work."

After reading this, I looked at my email and found that a friend shared this song-God Speaking, by Mandisa.

Well. 

I'm paying attention now.

Brenna and I continued through the Bible study, and sure enough, like clockwork, at 7:45, she let out a huge yawn and looked at me across the room and while someone was talking, she whispered quite loudly, "Can we go now?"

The girl knows how to communicate and get her needs met, yes?

Yet another life lesson to learn. 

I was embarrassed to leave in the middle of things, but I knew time was up, so I made apologies at a lull in conversation and thought we would just slip out the door.

 Right.

Miss I Love Everyone gave hugs all the way out the door, giving out as much as she was soaking up.

Oh, she was so happy. It was just enough for her. Meeting, loving, singing, leaving. That's all. 

So, home we went, got in our jammies, the dog jumped on the bed and we read a story and snuggled some more and I drank it up. The sweet, pure love and happiness from such simple things.  

Thanks for listening.

I'm going to go solder now..