Friday Ramblings: Graduation Begins With G. So Does Grief.

I'm gonna be honest with you today.

I'm not sure how to hold all these emotions that are flying around me these days.

In the first hand, my girl is graduating next week.

GRADUATING!!

 In the second hand, we don't know what is next.

First hand: graduation, excitement, lots of "lasts", yearbooks, class parties, class trips, baccalaureate, caps and gowns, finals, looking forward to summer.

Second hand: IEP's, explaining the future to our girl, the unknown, wondering in my own heart what will be next, what is the best next step, what will continue to help her grow?

First hand: Senior chapels, cards and gifts, getting ready for family to gather, planning a party, making pretty things to give away, cleaning out lockers, senior countdown, throwing hats.

Second hand: Fear, frustration, plans not working out, switching mindsets, forging another new path, seeing the gap grow wider, wondering about the future, trying not to look too far ahead, feeling alone in the journey, feeling lost, wondering where the hell the parent manual is and being tired of writing our own manual.

First hand: My girl's tears at leaving those she loves at school, then being fine once she processes it. Her being able to live in the absolute present moment. Joy in the next activity. Spreading her love and hugs. Reading the entries in her yearbook and graduation cards out loud to her and seeing the smiles that spread wide across her face.

Second hand: Waking up at 5:00 am, too many thoughts in my mind. Searching for peace. Finding words that get me through the days:

"But me, I'm not giving up. I'm sticking around to see what God will do. I'm waiting for God to make things right. I'm counting on God to listen to me." micah 7:7, message version

"He will be the sure foundation for your times."Isaiah 33:6, NIV

"I am the world's light. No one who follows me stumbles around in the darkness. I provide plenty of light to live in." john 8:12, message version

"Then showing us the way, one foot at a time down the path of peace." Luke 1:79, message version.

First hand: Listening to my girl talk to herself in her whispers- "I'm excited for senior countdown." "Today we are going to the movies" "This summer, I go to Camp Paivika, then Camp Footprints."

Second hand: Finding empty spots in parking lots where I howl and rage and cry and let out every fear and get really, really honest. Admissions of unbelief, admissions of being exhausted, admissions of not knowing, not understanding, not knowing, vulnerability, confusion frustration and other feelings too numerous to list. 

Stocking my car and purse with kleenex, opening my hands, palms up and reaching out to others. Getting ready for the day, listening to my girl tell me how excited she is for the day's plans (JUST TODAY) and being reminded that she teaches me more than I could ever have imagined, and continuing to take the next step forward.

sharing with Chatting At The Sky.