Monday, February 13, 2012

It's That (Dreaded) Time Again...

I really, really have so much to tell you.
My life is really, really upside down right now.
I have things to tell you about a photography class I took, stories from emptying my mom's house, the Hello Soul, Hello Business class I'm taking, a little bit of artwork I'm doing.
But the upside down part is getting in the way.
Like getting notices from my mom's insurance company telling me they are canceling the fire policy on her house and I have to find a new one. The electricity meter-reader-guy couldn't get to the meter to read it, so I have to call them. Oh, and they will cancel all utilities unless I get everything transferred to my name. (Which costs extra) Not to mention every day life at my house....and a little procedure called a colonoscopy that I've put off no less than three times due to upside-down-ness. I have lost count of how many I have had, thanks to having Ulcerative Colitis.

Today is a day where I can have only clear liquids and the real fun begins around 6 p.m. and then again at 3 a.m. About 2 hours into not eating and I'm a total mess, no matter how much broth I have.
All that to say, is that I'm really, really looking forward to posting, but today I'll leave you with my favorite article by Dave Barry regarding having a colonoscopy.

This is from Miami Herald's newshound Dave
 Barry's Colonoscopy Journal:
 I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist,
 to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in
 his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy
 organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point
 passing briefly through Minneapolis
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, 
 reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't
 really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote,
 I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a
 prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box
 large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in
 detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it
 to fall into the hands of America 's enemies
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being
 nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my
 preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I
 didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth,
 which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I
 took the moviPrep.
 You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic
 jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar
 with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.
 Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour,
 because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of
 goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
 The instructions for MoviPrep, cle arly written by somebody with a
 great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose,
 watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that
 after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the
 MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic,
 here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch?
 This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the
 shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt.
 You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom,
 spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when
 you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter
 of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into 
 the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
 After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next
 morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only
 was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing
 occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What
 if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something
 like that? Flowers would not be enough.
 At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I
 understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said.
 Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I
 went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put
 on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the
 kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than
 when you are actually naked.
 Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left
 hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and
 I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put
 vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't
 thought of this is, but then I pondered what would happen if y ou got
 yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were
 staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice
 but to burn your house.
 When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure
 room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I
 did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden
 around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy
 had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began
 hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music
 playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing
 Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could
 be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to
 be the least appropriate.
 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been
 dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare
 yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail,
 exactly what it was like.
 I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was
 yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the
 next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very&n bsp;
 mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me a nd asking me
 how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy
 told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying
 colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
 ABOUT THE WRITER: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor
 columnist for the Miami Herald. On the subject of Colonoscopies...
 Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were
 quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are
 actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he
 was performing their colonoscopies:
 1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone ; before!
 2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
 3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
 4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
 5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
 10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
 11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?
And the best one of all.
12. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not
up there?

Eat something for me today, 'cause I'm seriously considering going to the liquor store and buying vodka.


  1. Had the c-thing done and other than drinking the junk I was fine.

    Sorry for all the turmoil...it's life...real life. Sometimes I feel the same way.

    Thinking of you girl~


  2. oh Lynn I am rolling!!
    For all things for you to have to go thru after everything you have been dealing with.
    Look at it this way though, you get to get knocked out and sleep without interruption ;)

    All of this other stuff will pass, no pun intended, in time.

  3. You just gave me the biggest laugh!!!!!!!! I haven't had one yet in my life. I just did turn 50 don'tcha know so here it comes... I hope all goes well with yours today.

    And hugs your way for ALL the pain in the rumpus in dealing with life. I know you must feel you're frequently in the colonoscopy zone.

  4. That was so funny.. I am still giggling.. I am so sorry you have to go through that my friend. I do hope you are eating by now!!

    Hugs, Linda

  5. Oh my gosh - this was hilarious. I would have written LMAO but at this moment you would probably not be appreciative of that. Sorry to hear that you have the ulcerative colitis. However, glad that you are doing what you should even if it is not top on your list of "would like to do today". We'll wait for you because you really will have some awesome things to share with us. No, not regarding the colonoscopy but that other stuff you mentioned that IS much more fun. Wishing you wellness and the ability to leave the bathroom. Soon.

    "Her" and Romeo

  6. I sure hope that things lighten up for you soon, Lynn! You sure have alot on your plate! While I've not yet had to do a colonoscopy, I did have to do the same prep work before my surgery 3 weeks ago, and I can totally sympathize with you, it was no fun!!! Hope all goes well!

  7. Oh I am sorry that things have been tough, but that Dave Barry bit is hilarious. I'm hoping there are better days ahead for you. :)